I am beautifully human

I am beautifully human
With flaws and fears, capability and inner strength

I am beautifully human
Vulnerable and sensitive, abrasive and antagonistic

I am beautifully human
Instinctive and intuitive, gullible and naïve

I am beautifully human
Idealistic. Dreamer. Realistic. Doubtful.

I am beautifully human
Prone to comfort, thrilled by challenge

I am beautifully human
On solid rock one moment, on shifting sand the next

I am beautifully human
Round plug of imaginings, square socket of reality

I am beautifully human
Child to myself, warrior to the world

I am beautifully human
Thoughtless conformity my nemesis, authentic originality my anxiety

I am beautifully human
Weak as a leaf, strong as a tree

I am beautifully human
Complexity my beauty, simplicity my journey

I am beautifully woman
Accept me, not your version of me

Note to Self

Things that I do not want to become:

That teacher who is possessed by a warped notion that degrading students actually serves to inspire motivation in them. That policeman who uses his gun and uniform to bully and sometimes kill civilians and extort the ordinary. That father who believes his obligations end with paying fees and taking care of the rent. That mother who removes the frustration of her choices on her children. That relative who appears at dowry bargaining ceremonies to remind you that they are your flesh and blood, but disappears into thin air when your hospital bill needs clearing. That greedy sycophantic politician who lies his way to the top with phantom promises. That citizen who is bought into voting this politician into power with a 200 shilling note. That workmate who believes in barbarically elbowing their way up the corporate ladder at the expense of other people’s eyes and ribs, and their own reputation. That friend who sleeps with your spouse when you are away. That spouse who is not so unwittingly seduced into your friend’s sex trap. That stranger who is never satisfied with a first-name introduction; eager to categorize you in a stereotypical box based on your tribe. That matatu tout who is quick to shout the way amedharauliwa, yet doubles the fare on a rainy night then shouts ‘mwisho wa gari!’  a kilometer or two from your alighting station. That man who will only offer assistance in exchange for favors, in kind. That musician who snubs the every day people who have elevated him to a celebrity status. That opportunist in sheep’s clothing who will not hesitate to bite your behind the moment you turn your back to them. Those curious neighbors, shopkeepers or watchmen who have patriotically devoted themselves into making your life their utter business. That person who has a quick eye and tongue to all the wrongs in the world around them…

Granted, the world around us can be disconcerting. All these scenarios may or may not have had an effect on who we are. However, we get to choose who we want to become. It’s easy to get caught up in the darkness. Instead of lamenting about it, light a candle; it saves energy and actually stands more of a chance in bringing about a desired change.

                                                                                                                                                                    

- Note to Self

No apologies

There are those times in your life; in a day, a week, a month… when you have your soul sit in a quiet room and really listen to itself. It is in those moments when you learn some truths about yourself; embrace some realization from your experiences. Life brings about circumstances that make us learn more about ourselves; whether it is work, or family or relationships. And from these situations, I believe we should strive to become better people through the lessons we learn.

I have come to learn, however, that learning and becoming better does not always mean changing stuff about ourselves. Sometimes growth and development is about keeping some things about ourselves constant. And for those things about ourselves that we decide to stay unchanged, we should do so without apologies.

If you love the arts, love it and make no apologies for it. After all, the arts possess a rare form of honesty that makes the heart respond to it. Fight against the nay sayers and educate those who have a warped and vain notion to what it is.

If you appreciate challenges at work, do not settle for mind numbing activities that will see your potential rot. Do the best at what you do, and when that is as shiny as a penny, look for more opportunities and responsibilities that will build you. Stay away from people who are comfortable with the status quo and the lazy; they will dampen your energy and snuff out your light.

If you are a sucker for upbeat and worthy conversations, do not give too much time to eroded ones that prod about mediocre issues that take more out of you than they deposit. Avoid conversations that end up making you petty or enlightened in all the wrong things…and we know what those wrong things are once we hear them.

If you have certain expectations of people when it comes to relationships, do not make excuses in the absence of these characteristics; assuming that they are realistic of course. Settling for less means you believe less in yourself and even lesser in the people you are interacting with. No true joy comes out of still wishing upon these traits on someone you have already chosen to settle with.

I have come to learn that there are many of us out here with an identity crisis. It rears its head in subtle ways; trying to fit into societal standards that may go against our values and beliefs, just so as to get a sense of belonging. No one likes to be alone. This reminds me of the Hollywood high school movies we watch with the dining hall scenario where a vulnerable teenager’s worst nightmare was to have to sit alone, on an isolated table, at lunch time. This sort of fear makes us compromise. Compromise on our values, our principles, our beliefs, our true selves, our dreams... Think about it, most times when we choose to compromise on these, we choose to follow someone else’s. Someone else’s values, principles, beliefs and dreams. Why should we? Fear is not friendly; it is not a friend. It is like a towering fence that keeps us from seeing the beauty in the horizon yonder. It does not want the best for you. Shake it off and you shall rid yourself of a lactating parasite. To be alone does not mean to be lonely. And when you are alone, but happy, satisfied and at peace with yourself, you shall possess a light that will draw others to you.

So here’s a toast.

To ourselves; each and every one of us.

To our sovereignty; the sovereignty of our dreams, our treasured values and inner most beliefs.

With no apologies.

Lady Speak

This goes out to the ladies; a heart to heart conversation from one woman, who still has so much to learn, to another. This random piece is inspired by my experiences, other women’s experiences, conversations with men and general observation. Men, if you choose to read this, karibu.

I am now in my mid 20s. Life is still a learning process especially when it comes to issues of the heart. Some useful things I have learnt though are that you teach people how to treat you. Men in particular. When you come off as easy, they will treat you in this same way. When you come off as Miss Independent, I can take care of my emotional and material shit and can stand on my own and even pay your bills, they will treat you this same way. When you allow them to treat you wrong time and time again, it will stop being a big deal and will even be surprising when you protest against it in future. When you disrespect your own family in front of them, they will do the same – disrespect your family.

It’s important to understand the rules of engagement when relating with a man. What is he looking for? A trophy? A drinking, smoking or partying mate? A friend with benefits? A bank account? A mum? Or a wife? After you understand what he is looking for, consider your options. Ask yourself what you are looking for. Remind yourself who you are; or if you might not be too proud of who you are at that moment for some reason or the other, think of who you would want to become. Match your aspirations to that of the man, for they will seldom change. Do they align? If not, move on swiftly and do not look back. 

If your aspirations are to be a trophy, I would have to ask, why? Trophies are acquisitions of reward that are shiny and do not speak. Are you an acquisition of reward? If you are, what has he done to deserve you? Just sitting right and looking pretty; not engaging or being engaged in conversation…why? What is your brain for? You have a mind, make it your own.

If you aspire to be a drinking, smoking or partying mate, you have your reasons. After all, life is short and we should try and have all the fun we can master. Question though, how long would you want to have this role. Calls you up when he needs company at a bar counter or when there’s a bash going down. If you accept this role, expect nothing more for your heart’s sake. Be smart and take advantage of the parties and network then, make something out of it. Most likely, when any kind of serious shit hits the fan, he shall be nowhere in sight. You shall not be fun anymore, thus be borne redundant.

If you aspire to be a friend with benefits, I would have to wonder whether your daddy issues have really damaged you that bad as to actually want this title as opposed to stumbling into it. Why would you want to be habitually used? Because that is exactly what it is. No, not using each other. See, for a woman, there is no such thing as emotionless sex. Physical fitness my foot. And if you have gotten to this level, then you seriously need to sit down in a quiet room and really, really listen to yourself. Why should he have access to your body whenever he wants to? When there is no commitment or exclusivity? This has nothing to do with being prudish; it has everything to do with being realistic to ourselves as women. Leave out the modern woman crap.

If you actually aspire to be a bank account, to a man, I have no comment.

 If your aspirations are to be a mother to a man you have not given birth to, I would have to ask you to hold on until you get your own child. That shall be worth everything. First thing, you can and will never amount to being his mother, because you are not. Second, you can never call a man looking for a mother in you, your man. How so, when he looks up to you to pamper him and make decisions for him and shield him from his enemies or any kind of challenge? He simply does not qualify. This aspiration might make you feel needed as a woman, seeing as we were made to nurture, but everything has its place. A man should be a man. A child, a child. Be a mother to your child, not your man.

If you aspire to be a wife, eventually at least, I still have to ask why. Why do you want to be his wife? Might it be because of the dictates of societal standards that after graduation from college you get married and have 3 children?  Is it because you are competing with your friends? Is it because he is rich? Is it because your parents are in love with him?  Is it because you think he can fix you? Is it because time is running out and he will have to do? Is it because you love him, he loves you; you bring out the best in each other and want him for a life partner? Reminder to the women whose aspirations are to be a wife; it takes a lot. It needs a lot. It produces a lot; more than just children.  It’s not a decision you make when you are drunk. After the wedding is the marriage. It’s a beautiful thing.  After all, God came up with it, so its gotta be awesome if and when you follow His manual/guide, and His alone. The world shouts loudest on this topic, but take heed; empty debes make the loudest noise.

 All in all, whatever you do, whichever way you choose, whatever aspiration fits you at the moment or whatever, remember to respect yourself. It’s important. You are your number one fan.

 Cheers.

1...

I sat outside and looked up into the sky tonight. Behold, a brilliantly bright shining star glared back at me. In an instant, my mind travelled to the wondrous glory that is the galaxy. My ears opened to the sound of crickets and my skin embraced the feel of the caressing breeze. Then, I heard Your whisper; silent yet crisp...'Pay attention to what’s important...' Suddenly, everything bugging my mind and burdening my heart seemed so small. You know me, You love me, and You have a purpose for me. How amazing! That the heftiness of Your profound truth can settle on my heart and cause it to smile at the peace that blows over it thereafter...all in a single instant! You truly are God.