Lady Speak

This goes out to the ladies; a heart to heart conversation from one woman, who still has so much to learn, to another. This random piece is inspired by my experiences, other women’s experiences, conversations with men and general observation. Men, if you choose to read this, karibu.

I am now in my mid 20s. Life is still a learning process especially when it comes to issues of the heart. Some useful things I have learnt though are that you teach people how to treat you. Men in particular. When you come off as easy, they will treat you in this same way. When you come off as Miss Independent, I can take care of my emotional and material shit and can stand on my own and even pay your bills, they will treat you this same way. When you allow them to treat you wrong time and time again, it will stop being a big deal and will even be surprising when you protest against it in future. When you disrespect your own family in front of them, they will do the same – disrespect your family.

It’s important to understand the rules of engagement when relating with a man. What is he looking for? A trophy? A drinking, smoking or partying mate? A friend with benefits? A bank account? A mum? Or a wife? After you understand what he is looking for, consider your options. Ask yourself what you are looking for. Remind yourself who you are; or if you might not be too proud of who you are at that moment for some reason or the other, think of who you would want to become. Match your aspirations to that of the man, for they will seldom change. Do they align? If not, move on swiftly and do not look back. 

If your aspirations are to be a trophy, I would have to ask, why? Trophies are acquisitions of reward that are shiny and do not speak. Are you an acquisition of reward? If you are, what has he done to deserve you? Just sitting right and looking pretty; not engaging or being engaged in conversation…why? What is your brain for? You have a mind, make it your own.

If you aspire to be a drinking, smoking or partying mate, you have your reasons. After all, life is short and we should try and have all the fun we can master. Question though, how long would you want to have this role. Calls you up when he needs company at a bar counter or when there’s a bash going down. If you accept this role, expect nothing more for your heart’s sake. Be smart and take advantage of the parties and network then, make something out of it. Most likely, when any kind of serious shit hits the fan, he shall be nowhere in sight. You shall not be fun anymore, thus be borne redundant.

If you aspire to be a friend with benefits, I would have to wonder whether your daddy issues have really damaged you that bad as to actually want this title as opposed to stumbling into it. Why would you want to be habitually used? Because that is exactly what it is. No, not using each other. See, for a woman, there is no such thing as emotionless sex. Physical fitness my foot. And if you have gotten to this level, then you seriously need to sit down in a quiet room and really, really listen to yourself. Why should he have access to your body whenever he wants to? When there is no commitment or exclusivity? This has nothing to do with being prudish; it has everything to do with being realistic to ourselves as women. Leave out the modern woman crap.

If you actually aspire to be a bank account, to a man, I have no comment.

 If your aspirations are to be a mother to a man you have not given birth to, I would have to ask you to hold on until you get your own child. That shall be worth everything. First thing, you can and will never amount to being his mother, because you are not. Second, you can never call a man looking for a mother in you, your man. How so, when he looks up to you to pamper him and make decisions for him and shield him from his enemies or any kind of challenge? He simply does not qualify. This aspiration might make you feel needed as a woman, seeing as we were made to nurture, but everything has its place. A man should be a man. A child, a child. Be a mother to your child, not your man.

If you aspire to be a wife, eventually at least, I still have to ask why. Why do you want to be his wife? Might it be because of the dictates of societal standards that after graduation from college you get married and have 3 children?  Is it because you are competing with your friends? Is it because he is rich? Is it because your parents are in love with him?  Is it because you think he can fix you? Is it because time is running out and he will have to do? Is it because you love him, he loves you; you bring out the best in each other and want him for a life partner? Reminder to the women whose aspirations are to be a wife; it takes a lot. It needs a lot. It produces a lot; more than just children.  It’s not a decision you make when you are drunk. After the wedding is the marriage. It’s a beautiful thing.  After all, God came up with it, so its gotta be awesome if and when you follow His manual/guide, and His alone. The world shouts loudest on this topic, but take heed; empty debes make the loudest noise.

 All in all, whatever you do, whichever way you choose, whatever aspiration fits you at the moment or whatever, remember to respect yourself. It’s important. You are your number one fan.

 Cheers.